Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
they're like a gay fantastic four
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
