textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
