I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
