wakey wakey hands off snakey
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
