Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
