I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
