I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
