we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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