how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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