Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
only you would photoshop your dick
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
