mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The power of my boobs compel you
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
