I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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