If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
