Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So vagazzling was a success
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
