On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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