I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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