I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
