I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
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