There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
