Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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