Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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