Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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