I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
