come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
