1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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