just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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