$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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