my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
