I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
