i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
