I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The power of my boobs compel you
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
