You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
