just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
