it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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