Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I still have a little drunk in my system
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
