We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
