please come you make the beer taste better
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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