you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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