dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
