Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
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his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
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I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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