I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
