the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
