My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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