OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
