It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Randomize
