Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Randomize
