You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
