i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
