Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I cut my penus on the lid.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Randomize
