I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
