my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
