toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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