News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
