Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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