The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
