i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
