Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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