I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
