your thong is hanging out like whoa
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
