I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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